In my early years of racing mountain bikes, there was always something to improve, always something to work on. I found myself looking for bigger challenges, pushing myself further from a 100km race, to a 3hr race, 6hr, 12hr all night, and then racing 24hr races. I found I was not always happy, and never proud on the podium; I was usually embarrassed, wondering how I got there, and frequently felt like I was not good enough to be there. Looking back at the images I looked bedraggled and downcast; and would walk away planning my next race and what I needed to do to improve.

   Whilst I loved riding my bike and the challenges of the race, I did not race with confidence, I compared myself to the other competitors who were always (in my opinion) fitter, faster, with better skills, more experience, more expensive gear, sponsored etc. I mistakenly thought that in striving for perfectionism I would be worthy, liked, and most importantly fit in and be accepted into the community.

   In those early years, I was trapped in the mentality that says I will be worthy if I win, or if I bring home a medal then I would fit in. I was not actually racing to ‘beat’ the other competitors, I was racing to prove to myself that I was worthy.

   In striving for perfectionism, we will always feel like a chameleon, always feeling pressured to perform, otherwise we are afraid we will be judged as not good enough. The problem with the need to ‘fit in’ is that there will always be a need to change who we truly are to be accepted. This is also where those that feel ‘I just don’t know myself’ become confused as they become so used to being the chameleon to fit in that they are afraid their true authentic self will not be accepted. It takes courage to truly step aside from trying to fit in, and to acknowledge and accept your imperfections. It is much easier to accept and appreciate others’ imperfections than it is our own.
Perfectionism is a lie – nothing and no one is perfect and expecting that of oneself is simply setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment time and time again.

   Over time I realised that this incessant perfectionism trait was extremely tiring on me both mentally and physically. Performance wise, my body is limited, there is only so far any physical body can be pushed and I was already sitting on the edge of extreme. So, at that stage rather than give up racing, I gave up on perfectionism. I will admit, it is a long slow process that even now I still need a gentle reminder here and there.

   Belonging is being ok with who you are, accepting where you are in the moment and knowing that you do not need to change anything about yourself. Accepting where you are in the moment does not need to mean that you are not working towards improving, but rather that you are not beating yourself up and belittling yourself for not being better – that you have made the decision to let go of the expectation of perfectionism. Belonging to something is an innate primal need in each and everyone of us, it takes courage to turn up as your authentic self without donning any chameleon accessories.

   What I found was when I let go of perfectionism, stopped belittling myself and comparing myself to others I began to find my flow. Simply by striving to be my best allowed me to release the pressure, drop all expectations and be ok with where I was in that moment. Initially it was a tough call as that also meant letting go of the expectation of where I would place in each event, until I realised that striving to be my best set me up for success. It allowed room for positive growth and room for improvement without the pressure of judgement and comparison. I found training was more enjoyable, racing was fun and to my amazement my results improved too. It did not mean that I did not train as hard, that I did not put as much effort into racing, or preparation, but it meant that I found a new respect, acceptance, and appreciation for myself. I found a confidence and quiet inner stillness that tells me I belong.